How to address the emotional crush of conflict.
It was a Saturday morning, a warm South Florida summer day; my mother and father had been eyeing each other during breakfast like gunfighters itching for fight. Every word spoken had with it a strained, hissing sound and my brother and sister were unusually quiet and somber. They ate quickly, quicker than usual. As if in a rush to get away.
I was perhaps seven or eight years old at the time, unaware that the morning, that the events of that day would be etched in my psyche for decades. After the cold and distant meal, the shouting began. It wasn’t the first time I watched my parents talk to each other this way, but it was the first time I ever attempted to intervene.
I spoke as if reading a line from an after-school TV special “Mommy! Daddy! Please don’t fight,” my voice cracked. The pit of my stomach fell to my knees, my body convulsed and shivered uncontrollably with fear. I stepped in between them, my arms waving wildly. As my voice squeaked between the gulps and sobs, my brother and sister escaped to their bedrooms. I had seen the dishes fly and break before, the profanities and insults exploded. It was the impending violence, the unresolved anger, and the inevitable, underlying ashes that would ensue that terrified me. My neighbors, the other families I knew fought like this. There were beatings, broken doors, broken bones, bruised and bloodied bodies, and sometimes, shots pierced sounds of the day.
My father blamed my mother for my “softness”. My mother pushed me away and told me that if I was going to get this upset then I should just leave. On her orders my brother grabbed and hustled me from the sweltering box apartment. We scrambled the short walk to our grandmother’s house and hid in her garage. My brother, though upset, was more pragmatic. He guided me into a discussion about who we should live with in the event of a divorce. Which was odd in that the people we knew didn’t get divorces like in the movies, they just left, and we never saw them again. He discussed their two different personalities. His biggest selling point was that mom was the better cook. We didn’t realize at the time, that we would likely have no say in where or with whom we would live.
Conflicts can arise unexpectedly, or as a planned, calculated desire to change one’s situation.
That day and others to come like it led me in later years to take a look at the causes of conflict situations. It biased the way I deal with conflict in such a way that I would avoid it, even to my own detriment. Conflicts can arise unexpectedly, or as a planned, calculated desire to change one’s situation. What I’ve learned is that conflict is not only necessary, but also a healthy part of self-expression. What isn’t healthy is engaging in conflict with a simple purpose to hurt others. That’s not healthy for others, or for ourselves. We all have differences, and when those differences in behavior, perception, communication, culture, bias, history or morality collide, conflict arises. How we confront those differences can either lead to harmonious and productive relationships, or intensely dividing disagreements. Most people don’t go looking for a fight, but they happen, whether we want them to or not.
According to Shapiro & Fisher there are five core concerns that lie under the surface of human emotions in conflict situations, “appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status and role” (Harvard Mental Health Letter, 2008, 25, 5, p. 4-5). Looking back on any relationship in my life that had reached a conflict point and had ultimately met with its demise; I can see now, how those emotions, if not addressed, ended that relationship. In your own relationships, do discussions center on us or we or more on I and me. The lack of feeling “together” or “on the same page” has led to many irreparable conflicts in relationships. Denying yourself or someone else the feeling of empowerment or being kept or keeping someone out of important decisions can bring life to feelings of neglect, suspicion, and resentment. During conflicts, power and status are often at play; if the goal of one or more individuals is to win at all costs, then the relationship will lose.
How each of these concerns is addressed in interpersonal relationships can lead to harmonious and productive associations or intensely dividing disagreements. Looking back on any relationship that I’ve ever been involved with and witnessed its demise; I can see the root-cause as being a lack of appreciation on one or both party’s behalf. In your own relationships, do discussions center on “us” or “we” or more “I” and “me” a lack of feeling “together” or “on the same page” has led to many irreparable conflicts in relationships. Denying someone the feeling of empowerment or keeping them out of the decision-making process can bring life to feelings of resentment and suspicion. The denial or suppression of the roles we play in their own lives or in a relationship is to not be seen and acknowledged on our own terms and is a mistake that will create tension in even the most mundane of interactions. When conflicts arise, they should not be feared, avoided or strike alarms that the relationship is ending. If dealt with appropriately, it is an opportunity to learn about the person you are in conflict with.
The first step in dealing with conflict must begin within us, a critical inventory of our communication style, values, belief systems, attitudes and personality. In other words, all the things that make up who we are and how we perceive ourselves. our environment and the rest of the world. Jennifer E. Wilson, PT MBA (2010) goes further to explain “Understanding your preferred or typical response in conflict situations can be a great way to start to develop new conflict management skills” (PT in Motion, 2, 1, p. 10). Identifying similar or opposing traits in others is a learned skill that will take much practice and trial, but ultimately yield enormous benefits in interpersonal relationships.
Conflicts arise for a variety of reasons, but it is often a way to express a need for additional information...
The benefit of this type of self-analysis is that it diminishes the learned tendency to personalize and internalize conflict situations. Most people in fact are not intentionally trying to offend others; they may lack empathy, awareness or experience in communicating with people with differing perspectives. Conflicts arise for a variety of reasons, but it is often a way to express a need for additional information and this is where understanding communication styles and the ability to adjust your own style can come in handy. The great thing about communication styles is that we all have the potential to adapt and become more flexible in how we communicate. For example, in some of my closest relationships, I usually become aware when someone is upset with something I did (or didn’t do) because they will go from cordially conversive to monosyllabic or completely silent. At that point I understand that I need to adapt my normal communication style from quiet and reserved to more inquisitive and vocal in order to wrest from them the unspoken motive behind their behavior. It may seem unfair to have to pull from the other person the cause of the problem, but if you value that relationship, that openness will help that relationship, that person, to grow in a more positive way.
By learning to be flexible in our views and opinions we can avoid the snares of prejudice and bias that don’t allow us to see certain others as human beings with the same needs and desires as our own. Become a student of human nature and nonverbal communication, it is the only education that offers as a reward, successful relationships.
Conflict in interpersonal relationships is inevitable and natural, understanding the root causes, being able to deal with conflict effectively and putting key principles to use to resolve conflicts positively will lead to more positive and satisfying relationships. Hidden away in my grandmother’s garage that oppressively hot summer day, as my brother and I talked about which parent we would prefer to live with should they decide to separate. I learned from my brother that such events had occurred before and they would surely occur again. Later, we eventually went back home, and our parents reconciled, for a time. As predicted, that scenario would play itself out again countless times, in a variety of ways. I learned many things from my parents. I even learned how, when and whether to intervene. However, I didn’t learn from them, how to positively confront conflict. That came from quite a lot more work, a lot more trial and error. My hope for you is that you never stop growing and learning and adapting to the many different cultures, communication styles, and perspectives that will surely come into your life.
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